Being real

I know I'm an ENFJ... I found myself happy each time after I met up with people for classes or discussions, as I love to share ideas and also learn new stuff from others. I may be physically drained after each gathering due to my health limitations, but my heart felt full and contented.

Actually, ENFJs love working with and being around people, and they often see the best in their peers. While this is a positive trait to have, ENFJs can sometimes be too trusting. Regarding others too highly can lead to disappointment or others taking advantage of ENFJs.

This is what I felt and shared with my current therapist CA. Because she started off with me writing out my family tree in first session, helping me to see my world views from the childhood background... then moving onto my friendships or relationships with others.

To be honest, since being stuck in my non lift level unit and unable to have a lot of cash to go out to meet friends... I can say almost all my friends left me alone over the years. Looking at the ex BFF TR who deleted me and didn't even visited me when I was admitted to the hospital just 2 streets away from her self run agency office... to my current BFF J who always give me a lot of reasons that she's busy meeting up with other friends of her, etc... I was craving for friendships.

I have to accept the reality that they have no time for me... despite I always treated them to meals and paying for things they needed. I have to realise that they have been taking advantages of me being kind, loyal and always generous to friends. Maybe I'm no longer beneficial to them now that I'm forced to retire and not making a lot of money like the time I am healthy.

My therapist CA asked me, why am I still so loyal to toxin people like that? I said I always cherish people in my life, especially those whom I know for a long time. But maybe I am wrong... people do change... and honestly, also my own fault for always trying to justify their actions towards me. I am just not comfortable to see the bad points in people I cared about.

I also shared I tried finding new friends by going out to join support groups or even the church now. I am considering to go for bible school next year too, to find more like minded loyal people to be friends. My therapist CA is glad to hear that, as she then shared she also did a 3 months short term School of Ministry. In fact, she asked me why I'm looking for friends? I say I wish to find friends to go out sometimes, maybe sit in the cafe doing people watching... or going to museums for sightseeing. Because the longer I'm stuck in this flat, I felt I am developing social anxiety upon going out alone these days... as I find everything is changing outside and I'm a bit overwhelmed, as I also worried if I might faint at times due to my med side effects then I really needed someone by my side when going out.

My therapist CA said why not we will do an outdoor therapy next week? She will get one of her good friend who was a former course mate from her bible school to join us. She drives so she will help to ferry my wheelchair and we can consider going out together. Ohhh, that's great! I will love to go out with some support from them.

At the same time, I also expressed my needs to my current Cell Group member AG that due to my med, I might need her help to fetch me to church with my wheelchair. I was so relieved she said no problem and this coming Sunday, we will attend the Chinese service again... but I told her this time without my Hubby. Honestly, Hubby do not understand the deeper Chinese very well, plus he has smoker cough. That is very disruptive in a quiet church service, as I keep having to dig my bag for cough sweets for him each time he acted up. I cannot even focus on the sermon. And he get upset and hangry when coming back from the church previously, as he's used to his routine to have his lunch on time, which is during the service time. I really tired of always putting his needs before all my own needs. I need my own self care too.

I did noticed AG taking down notes on her small A6 notebook while in service. I think about it and yup, maybe I should resumed my habit in note taking too. So I went ahead to goggle for notebook with Christian verses covers. Omg, locally it was about SGD $7-$10 for one A5 notebook. But I saw that I can get even nicer versions from China at SGD $1-$3.90 each. So I ordered about 8 notebooks a week ago and they were delivered in 5 days' time. Really very good quality too! I will like to bless my AG for being so kind to fetch me all these while.

The other extra notebooks I can use for my other project planning. It seems that slowly, MY LORD is bringing the type of caring and loyal friends I am looking for. I need real friends that are supportive, able to encourage me and do the correct things in life, etc. I am taught to served others (1 Peter 4:10-11 - "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord." )

So I'm always giving in nature from young as I am also the sole primary caregiver to my sickly Dad from the age of 8. I enjoy taking care of others... but now I need to be WISE, knowing that some people are always self-centred by putting their own needs above everyone else... looking at my ex BFF TR and current BFF J, both are almost the same since they met each other in the materialistic world of the media (TR in the modeling while J was a former make up artist). They are always attracted to the glamorous worlds of the rich and entitled.

I'm not in the same league as them... my values are very different. I'm too down to earth and will never understand their needs for these worldly stuff. I was in that world for a period, just to earn some extra money to provide for my household while both of them choose to be single so they can sponge off their suitors as long as they can. I also cannot blame their mindsets as it is very Asian to be taught from young by their mothers to look for rich partners.

I think my lack of motherly advice due to losing my Mum when I was 8 made me different, as I only see the hard work my widowed Dad has to go through so I will never want to take advantage of guys that way. In fact all my ex lovers and my own Hubby, I always pampered them and never ask for anything expensive. What I want is the pure attentions and affections, it's not the things.

And somehow, even the males that came into my life (e.g, like my home male tenants) they are very willing to help and assist me, knowing I don't take advantage of them as I too, often cook meals for them when I'm feeling okay. I find that the guys will reciprocate when they knows I'm a giving person... but not all the females I met will reciprocate as they felt they're entitled. So now I'm slowly learning to stay away from toxin selfish people that only good in taking and not give.

I hope I will meet more like minded caring, willing to give and serve kind hearted people as I open up to make friends. This is also why I am joining volunteering groups and in church based setting now. I'm tired of the self-centred people I know whom already left me behind. Maybe it's a good thing too so I must not feel too sad for slowly letting them go too.

Looking forward to a happier life with more positive and caring network I'm building for my future.